E-Edition

Holy crap... goat to be mayor!

Candidate a real thinker, errr, ruminant

By The Slasher
Sopris Sinner

Despite a hasty campaign and vicious pamphleteering against her, it appears that Daisy Willow-Rose, a 10-month-old white and brown Nubian goat, is poised to become Carbondale’s new mayor.
Though the election is still a week off, a CNN/News Week poll has Willow-Rose poised to win by a landslide. Since announcing her candidacy last week, the goat has ridden a wave of support from an electorate eager for something different – very different.
The goat’s competitors, Fred Cortex and Lacey Hatch Beryes have not been faring well in the polls.
Beryes’ political fortunes took a decided turn for the worse last week when she attempted to prove that a goat cannot serve as mayor. Town attorneys discovered that, in fact, town ordinances completely fail to address the issue. At the same time, the goat’s supporters skewered Burnout with charges of “speciesism.”
Cortex, who had looked like a strong candidate before the four-legged contender appeared, was rendered speechless by the sudden turn of events and failed to provide a comment when telephoned by the Sin Thursday morning. However, he appeared to mutter something about “kebabs” as he hung up.
As for the goat? She seemed elated and was all smiles for the cameras when photographers asked her to say “chevre.”
“Mmm baaa-aaa-aah,” said Willow-Rose when asked for a comment on the race early Thursday.
The town has been desperately searching for an interpreter who speaks “goat,” said town clerk Kirby. The Sin, however, in the spirit of competition to be the first to get the scoop, found one immediately through its numerous contacts.
Willow-Rose trotted onto C’dale’s political scene last week after it came to light that she had filed to run as a write-in candidate in early March, and that her affidavit had been discarded by town clerk Sally Kirby, who was certain the whole thing was some kind of hoax.
When the mistake was corrected and the goat’s name was added to the ballot, the Town Moms quickly pulled their support away from Beryes and mobilized their vast political engine behind the goat. Soon after, big bucks and lots of “doe” began pouring in from community-garden supporters, who are not numerous but are well known for their dirty politics. Willow-Rose drew their admiration after she promised immediate weed eradication and advocated banning dogs from the Carbondale Nature Park to make way for vegetable beds.
Willow-Rose is running on an agrarian reform platform that has proved particularly appealing in a town facing tough development decisions. Some of Carbondale’s most politically active citizens have struggled to find a way to translate into reality their ideas of creative, sustainable development that will preserve Carbondale’s agrarian history.
Willow-Rose has promised those creative solutions, stressing that she has a gut-level feel for what’s right for Carbondale. The voters apparently trust her. After all, her gut is well suited – biologically speaking – for just the sort of development some Carbondalians long to see.
The goat has proposed the town develop new “barnyard” zoning for much of the Village at Crystal River Planned Unit Development proposed west of Highway 133, and the developer appears willing to listen. The “barnyard” zoning would allow goats, horses and chickens free range of the area. The measure would increase the amount of manure in town, providing residents with plenty of fertilizer to use on their gardens, which would help increase local food production. Willow-Rose also suggested Carbondale institute a weekly “manure day,” during which residents can collect the poop at no cost, while at the same time keeping the development area clean.
Willow-Rose has also embraced one local resident’s idea for ox-drawn trash wagons, and she has suggested the town cut down on the noise and pollution associated with RFTA buses by using draft horses to pull people around instead. The goat has suggested that a sponsorship from Budweiser may help pay for training, feed and upkeep.
 Daisy Willow-Rose has also promised “free milk Fridays” at town hall during the summer and a gourmet goat cheese booth at the Wednesday farmers’ market on Fourth Street.
Surprisingly however, local ranchers have mustered the staunchest opposition to the goat. They dislike her most controversial proposal, which would ban meat consumption within town limits.
“It would decimate my business,” said Swamp Sedan, whose ranch borders Highway 133. “What’s more you’ll never be able to enforce it.”
Likening the proposal to Prohibition, Sedan predicted that tax money would be wasted on ineffective enforcement attempts. He said he was “willing to bet” that “Speakeasies” selling rotisserie, steaks, barbecue and other meaty treats would spring up as a result.
As the town braces for the polls to open Tuesday morning, sidewalks have been found littered with leaflets against the goat. As yet, no one has claimed responsibility, though it is widely believed the ranchers were behind them.
The leaflets cried “Goat a no go!” and “Willow-Rose a baaaaad candidate,” among other slogans.

Daisy Willow-Rose, who stands to become Carbondale’s next mayor, scopes out her future work place. Photo by The Pawpurrazzi

Four of the candidate’s staunchest supporters – two of the biggest “mooovers” in the dairy industry and a pair sure to trim some political pork. Photo by The Pawpurrazzi

Carbondale Commentary

My hidden gems

By Bone Bootmaker
Executive Director

The Wild Place Workroom
As many of you know, my hidden gems are extremely precious. In fact, they help define the man I am today. They have given me, and some of you out there, so much pleasure, that I can’t bear to think what life would be like without them.
But now, they need more support. This campaign has been under way for some time now – and what a time it’s been. Those of us at the Workroom and the rest of the folks engaged in this effort have been working hard to forever preserve and protect my hidden gems. As I’ve already said, this is an area that holds a special place in my heart.
For about the last year, we’ve been in nearly constant negotiation with all the stakeholders. We’ve talked with the military and fire fighters; members of the recreation industry and weekend pleasure seekers; as well as county commissioners, town trustees and members of Colorado’s congressional delegation – anyone who might have a stake in my hidden gems. By meeting with them we’ve been building a strong consensus.
But we’d like you to be a part of it, too. So with that goal in mind, please let me bend your ear once more about my hidden gems.
My hidden gems may not be the most scenic and impressive territory. They may not contain the biggest landforms nor the purest reservoirs. But, as I’ve said, my hidden gems are a treasure nonetheless. They lie in a fertile mid-elevation region, which provides essential habitat to a striking diversity of flora and fauna. From tiny critters visible only through a microscope to larger creatures with which many of you may already be familiar, all of this life is worth protecting. You may not necessarily like all of these organisms, but they deserve our stewardship nonetheless. After all, as the famous quote goes, “without beasts such as these, man would surely not experience such a great loneliness of spirit every night” … or something along those lines.
Much of this terrain is relatively accessible, and that’s another reason why we should strive to protect it. My hidden gems are a little bit of wildness right here in your very own backyard. If anything happens to this terrain, we will all lose something of what attracted us to settle here in the first place.
However, some argue that we should not protect these areas precisely because they are so close to home. Some of those who frequently visit this terrain are concerned that any new management strategy will prevent them from truly enjoying my hidden gems. In response, I argue that our goal is not to close off my hidden gems but to open them to a much broader cross-section of the public. Though this management strategy would prohibit mechanized thrill seekers from enjoying my hidden gems, it would also ensure that my hidden gems would remain forever protected, and open to future generations.
Remember, no one will be barred from my hidden gems. The proposed protections would only limit certain types of access. It’s true that because motorized access would be prohibited, a certain amount of strength and vigor will be required. But really, would any of us want it any other way? The best things in life don’t come easy after all.
I urge you to contact your elected representatives and ask them to protect my hidden gems.

Letters

The Sopris Sun welcomes your letters, limited to no more than 400 words. Letters exceeding that length may be edited or returned for revisions. Include your name and residence (for publication) and a contact email and phone number. Submit letters via email to letters@soprissun.com or via snail mail to P.O. Box 399, Carbondale, CO 81623.

A boost for Bonedale

Editor’s Note: This letter was originally addressed to the Carbondale Board of Town Trustees
Dear Sin:
I’ve been coming here to the Roaring Fork Valley for over three decades. Now in my retirement and a resident of River Valley Ranch for the past four years, I’ve decided I would like to buy the next mayorship of Carbondale. I know what this town needs, both in the immediate and far off future.
Each day by three o’clock I find myself sitting at the Pour House wondering, “What’s it all about?” We work our whole lives, and for what? To spend the last few years on the golf course with a bunch of sour-faced old f#%!ers – sorry guys, but you know you are.
That is why I’ve decided I want more: I want to drive my SUV naked, I want to run with the sheep, I want to build that Village Marketplace up the Crystal once and for all (with an underground parking garage and a Starbucks inside a Starbucks.) It’s time we had an upper level air-conditioned VIP section at Mountain Fair and storefronts displaying one handbag that costs as much as a used car. Sell me the mayorship and I promise to make all of this happen and more … Name your price, Carbondale. I will turn this drowsy little mountain town into a carnival of consumption and greed, a.k.a. Success!
Charles U. Farley
Carbondale

Wilderness bad for ‘eye-cyclists’

Dear Sin:
I’m writing to tell you about a sizable portion of our population who will be deeply and unfairly impacted by the Smidgen Glens wilderness proposal.
Though most of you may not know it, a significant number of midvalley residents have taken on mechanized limbs and organs in recent years. Whether by choice or by medical necessity, these individuals have chosen to replace portions of their bodies with wheels, shock absorbers, aluminum or composite framing and other retrofits often drawn from recreational technology. After all, there’s a lot of that stuff around here and the parts were cheap. The Wilderness Act would prevent these people from visiting the land proposed for protection, and that’s just not fair.
In many cases they have suffered horrendous injuries and adopted their new appendages out of necessity. They’ve gone under the knife to repair the damage and reclaim some semblance of a normal life. Though I have to admit that a few of these folks just thought a carbon-fiber cranium or two-stroke pericardium would be totally rad. But that aside, these people are our neighbors. Shouldn’t we think twice before banning them from the land they love?
Though the wilderness campaigners have often argued that mechanized recreators can simply leave their toys at home, for some, this is just not an option. For example, a close friend of mine recently had portions of his face replaced with bicycle and ATV parts. He walked – well, rolled – out of the operating room with eyeballs made from ultra-thin tire rubber and tiny functional gears. Please do what’s best for him and call your congressmen right away. Urge them to call a halt to this madness. My poor friend literally can’t see past his bike, let alone leave it at home.
Kramer Castaneda
Satank

It’s high time

Dear Sin:
I’d just like to send a great big “thank you” out to the staff of the town public works department, particularly their boss, Barry Salinger. Though I can’t quite remember the exact time frame, I think I’ve lived here for at least five decades, and in all those years I’ve never heard of an idea from our public servants quite so timely as the one recently proposed for the public garden patch behind town hall. It’s true, salad greens and root vegetables are the wave of the past. Bring on the pot plants. It’s high time.
Poky Smuffer
Carbondale

The Sin, gladly going where the Sun don’t shine. Photo by The Pawpurrazzi

News Briefs

Trustees may resign over conflicts

Several of Carbondale’s town trustees are weighing whether or not they should resign when Daisy Willow-Rose, a goat, takes her seat as mayor (See Holy Crap!, page 1.)
The trustees aren’t bothered by the fact that Willow-Rose is a goat, instead they are concerned that she doesn’t work as a builder, architect or solar energy installer. As a result, the goat may upset a scrupulously preserved balance of conflicts of interest on the town council.
“We’ve long known that not a one of us is impartial, but up until now we’ve relied on the fact that our biases cancel one another out,” said longtime trustee Ted Croakfrog. “Now Daisy had to come in without any business interests whatsoever.”
Despairing of ever finding enough impartial replacements to fill all of the seats that may soon be empty, town staff may modify Carbondale town code to reduce the number of members on the town council, at least for the next four years.

Non-profit gas company in the works

A local millionaire is attempting to design a new financial model for natural gas extraction. Carbondale resident Clayton Fowler, who made his fortune in the oil fields of New Mexico, has decided to start a non-profit gas company. Fowler, who retired in town a decade ago, explained that he has been inspired by all the non-profit activity and civic spirit in the Roaring Fork Valley.
“For years I’ve been battling environmentalists over the impacts of drilling,” Fowler said. “Now I’ve decided to test whether fossil fuels can actually be extracted cost effectively with fewer social and environmental impacts. I’m going to give it the old college try.”
After some finagling with the IRS, Fowler has managed to secure tax-exempt status for his new company.  He said that all of his profits will be put toward environmental impact monitoring and mitigation efforts; salaries and benefits packages for his employees; and funds to help local municipalities maintain roads, sewers, and other infrastructure and services that may be stressed by the industry.
“The profit margins in this industry are so large that this just may work,” Fowler said. “I never thought I’d say it, but I’m beginning to think that fossil fuels are an essential public resource and their production should be overseen by the public. But lord knows I’d never trust the federal government to do this.”
Impressed by Fowler’s mission, Pitkin County commissioners last week offered to help him obtain several leases on the slopes of Mount Sopris.

Non-profits approach critical mass

In other non-profit news, Aspen Leaf Ski and Snowboard Company is seeking 501(c)3 non-profit status. That’s one more in a growing list that includes Cowpie Bank, a chain of local grocery stores, and B+ Foot Massage in Glenwood Springs among other businesses. While not quite illegal, the defections appear to come from a desire to dodge taxes and, more seriously, threaten to upset the economy of the roaring fork valley.
“Really?” said Garfield County Commissioner Lon Martian during a recent meeting with the business community. “Come on, someone around here needs to cowboy up and turn a profit.”
A greater concern has attracted attention in the national media. Several chains of big box stores and at least one investment-banking firm have recently divested themselves of their holdings in the Cayman Islands and Switzerland, attained non-profit status and shifted their headquarters to the budding tax haven that is the Roaring Fork Valley.