Sopris Sun Staff Report
A Las Vegas odds maker is reportedly picking Spudman to defeat Batman in Saturday’s epic Potato Day showdown. (See page 5). Tom “The Genius” Sapiro tells The Sopris Sun he has been researching the strengths and weaknesses of each superhero, and has determined our hometown guy will send Gotham City’s boy packing.
“The thing with Spudman, and really with all potatoes,” says Sapiro, “is he’s got eyes all over the place. In back of his head … every place. So, he’s got remarkable peripheral vision. There’s no way Batman can get the jump on him, and his cape could actually turn out to be a liability.”
Sapiro has also discovered another advantage for Spudman that probably no other potato possesses. “You know that potatoes are very starchy. We’ll, due to a genetic defect in Spudman, his starch is all concentrated right below his skin. It’s more than a half-inch thick, like a super-starched shirt. So, Batman or anyone else can pound on Spudman until their knuckles bleed, but it still won’t hurt him.”
And how can Spudman inflict damage upon Batman? Sapiro has learned the same genetic defect that affects his starch, also gives him extremely springy legs. “He can jump 8 or 10 feet straight up, which is within easy reach of Batman’s chin and lower extremities,” Sapiro observed.
As for Batman’s most famous asset, the Batmobile, Sapiro says it shouldn’t play much of a factor, “ … except for whisking Batman out of town real fast.”
Published in The Sopris Sun on September 29, 2016.