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Taking the “car” out of Carbondale

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Meet the Royal Bonedalian Mounted Police – the first step in a 90 day adjustment period before all motor vehicle traffic ceases in town proper.

“It starts with law enforcement setting the example,” explained Police Chief Gene Schilling, who was on pooper scooper duty Saturday morning thanks to a blown ACL.

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Existing staff will have first priority in the hiring process as the town phases out its streets department in favor of new positions as mucker and stablehands. Foreman Smiley Wise, a blacksmith and former rodeo star, will head the new crew.

The proposal, passed unanimously at a special town council meeting on March 21, has drawn some criticism by earth-hating residents.

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“I’m not even in my grave and I’m already rolling over,” former trustee John Foulkrod declared after the votes were cast.

Perennial candidate Doc Phillip was more supportive in his public comment.

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“You knuckleheads are usually too timid for any real change,” he said, “but this is the best idea since fermented dandelions.”

He then clucked like a chicken for the remainder of his allotted time.

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Schilling, meanwhile, seemed hesitant until a provision was added mandating hitching posts outside any establishment serving coffee or doughnuts. A longtime local, he wasn’t intimidated by the prospect of more horses in town and wasted no time in replacing his service pistol with a single action Colt .45.

“A lot of our enforcement is traffic related,” he noted. “It’s a lot easier to deal with a stampede or two than another soccer mom who thinks it’s okay to go 30 on Snowmass Avenue.”

“Sure, it will decrease response times,” he added, “But even when we’re there in three minutes people complain. What’s another fifteen?”

Broader changes

Banning traffic is just one part of the sweeping reform proposed by the Environmental Board and expanded by the trustees. Among a laundry list of practical and philosophical alterations, the town will officially be renamed “Bonedale” effective as soon as the new signs arrive.
“For too long this forward thinking community has been saddled – no pun intended – with an unsuitable name,” said Mayor Dan Richardson. “It’s past time we distanced ourselves from cars and carbon. It’s not like we’re in coal country.”

The trustees briefly considered “Fat City” as an alternative name, as the whole project draws liberally on proposals made by Hunter S. Thompson – whom Town Manager Jay Harrington referred to as “a visionary urban designer” – during his bid for Pitkin County Sheriff.

Other provisions include…

  • Potato patches in place of sand traps at the River Valley Ranch golf course. The HOA initially balked, but were mollified by offers of free manure from the town stables.

  • A two child policy for new families moving to town. Existing larger families would be permitted, but would face fines for any more children.

  • An absolute moratorium on cats and dogs, coupled with a requirement that every resident keep bees, chickens, and at least one ungulate.

  • The already non-fluoridated municipal water will also now be non-chlorinated as a new homeopathic treatment plant is installed.

  • A new nonprofit called “Got Your Goat” will be open for business in September. GYG will rent out goats to town residents to eat their weeds for a very low fee. The goats will be stabled next to Town Hall and their new equine facility.

  • Anyone gullible enough to read this far and believe it will be told “April Fools” and hopefully be amused to discover it was all a trick.

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